Samhain 2007
by Iris Amara
I cast off nothing at Samhain this year. Hecate came to me, ready to take it - all the anger, all the pain, all the shame that I had gathered within me - and I didn't let it go. She stood before me dark, veiled, silent, and rather than releasing it all, I held it closer to me. "I need this" I said. "I don't want to let it go." She silently moved on, no reproach, no questions, just silence. I called out to her - was that it? She would just pass me by? I imagine that she smiled knowingly behind her veil as she said "I take only what you freely give. Keep what you need for yourself". And she was gone, moving onto the others, taking their pain, their fear, everything they were ready to let go. I was not ready.
For several days after the ritual, I felt as if I had failed. How could I go to a Samhain ritual, face Hecate, and tell her that I wanted to keep everything I'd planned to cast off? Why couldn't I let go? But as I sat with that question, turning it over in my mind, I began to understand that I hadn't failed at all - I'd been true to myself.
It's tempting for me to think that my emotions can be held to a schedule. That when I, or anyone else, decides I've had "enough" time to mourn, to grieve, to simmer in anger, I should be able to pull myself together and let it go - through sheer force of will if necessary. I've done that before - buried whatever unpleasant emotion I didn't want to deal with when I'd decided it had gone on for too long. It doesn't work well for me.
Instead, I'm learning to listen to myself, to follow my own time table. If I am not ready to cast off at Samhain, Hecate will wait for me. I know where to find her when I am ready. For now, I will continue to sit with my shadow, examining my feelings more closely, attempting to discover the lessons I haven't yet learned from them.
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